ICAKONG. :D

2011-01-06T11:58:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I drive myself quite insane. :/

It's 2011. New year, new resolutions. That's what they always say, don't they.

*sighs*

2010-12-25T23:47:00.002+08:00

It's almost the end of 2010. Do you know what you've gotten better at?

I definitely do. I've gotten infinitely better at silencing my sobs, masking my pain. I've gotten so good at lying about what I want/need, I almost believe myself. I've gotten even better at pretending I don't care.

You're my mom. You're supposed to understand. What's so difficult about understanding that I'm scared too? I'm scared this is gonna be the last time I get to sleep with you. I'm scared I don't get the chance to say that I love you before anything happens.

Thanks for pushing me away.

2010-12-01T22:07:00.002+08:00

*SIGHS LIKE AN ENORMOUS BALLOON DEFLATING PSSSSST*

You know, the worst let downs are always the ones that occurs after you've had very high hopes.

I'm not the sort of person who can deal with comments, be it positive or negative. Positive ones gets to my head like chikababoom, or else they just crumble my focus, and, negative ones send me spiraling into self-beating/self-deprivation mode. So yeap, either way, I can't deal with it. and if I'd choose either, I'd seriously go for criticism cause the only way after you've hit rock bottom is up, and the only way I can improve is by telling myself I suck. T_T

So, you see my dilemma? How can I stand up properly, confidently, when the only way I can improve is constantly reminding myself that I suck, I'm still not good enough?! Knncheesebuns, I'm probably one of the most confused dipshit dancers ever.

In some cases like a very recent video, my hopes kinda got dashed. Well, I've only very recently begun filming in my favourite F's classes, cause I'm trying to overcome this video-phobe issue of mine. And I had particularly high hopes cause I felt pretty damn good doing that routine. But like Humpty Dumpty, my hopes fell off the wall and smashed into smithereens 'cause feeling good doesn't translate into looking good. T_T And that, following a particularly brutal class filled with distractions and wallowing. it's like salt in my wounds honestly.

Plus, people keep mistaking zai goddess M for me. I feel so sadly insulted cause I'd never be anywhere as confident as her. Gah, it's like putting a chicken liver beside foie gras. You know how mediocre I feel when I hear that?

I look at people like Meiqi, Apple, Mel, M, and I feel so amazed and inspired by their confidence; the way they dance, groove, look so comfortable. I want to be them, but I don't know how to be comfortable in my own adipose-filled skin. I want it so badly, but the only way I can think of me being comfortable with myself is if I'm stick thin. Which I apparently don't have the discipline to adhere something rigorous to achieve that. Which means I'd always be bui. Which means I'd always feel bad about myself. Which means I'd never be a good dancer, ever.

Which means, I'm fucked, essentially.

2010-11-26T13:27:00.003+08:00

HELLO.

been so damn long since i posted any shit. but wells, there just hasn't been much to say.

with a blink of an eye, an entire semester has passed, and i'm already in the midst of my finals. staring at 2 weeks of attachment #2 straight in the eye; i'm excited but for fuck's sake why must it be at god-damn CHANGI, knncheesepie. i'm not looking forward to the travelling, and the waking-up-at-unearthly-hours-like-4.30 just so i can report on time.

hmmm. in many many ways, i'm so much stronger and independent nao than before. so i'm glad what happened happened, i'm glad to have seen through certain people, i'm glad i've went to church, i'm glad to have made things up with people... the list goes on and on. need not say this since you'd probably guess, been dancing like a bunny on rampage. quite blessed to have had exposure to so many genres that i've grown to like and be able to do. of course, st. jazz is still my fav! (XXX ftw!) and quite surprisingly i'm doing quite well in school, lololol. can't say the same for finals though, fml.

tt's about it for now, just thought i'd do a short update for people whom i've not spoken to for very long, lol.

stay happy and healthy, dears. :D

ILOVEMYB-CREW!

2010-07-31T23:11:00.003+08:00

I have taken a wrong turn.
When will I learn?
When will I learn?
Shall I show them all my scars?
Cherry-Red bleeding burn
Like an angry apple tree
I throw my apples if you get too close to me
But if I look to my right
Will I see the one I fight for
If I look to my right
Or if I turn to my left
Will I see that I've kept my heart locked up
Locked up so tight

locked up; ingrid michaelson

Approximately three words sum up my awesome timetable.

Super f-ed up.

Well, at least I think my tutorial group mates are naise people. I hope they really do turn out to be naise otherwise cui maximus.

Life for me is as usual. Spending all my money on dance, stalking ♥ ,and spending all my remaining time dating my bed. And when school really starts it'd become school, dance, sleep; repeated a million times over.

So mundane, isn't it?

How I wish I could have a spectacular, exciting life.

I really have to apologise to those who are closer at heart. Sorry. ): I know it isn't easy for you, neither is it fair that you have to stand shit from me. But the disparity of the past and present really does infuriate me sometimes. I can't beat back that monster in me when I tip over the edge.

I do think of it, and sometimes, the ups of being with you really makes me want to throw in the towel and not fight anymore. But it won't ever be fair to you, and I can't, won't treat you less than you deserve to be. I'm like damaged goods. You're definitely better off without me. And at least for now, we both need to focus.

2010-07-25T21:32:00.002+08:00

Daddy's back. This may sound spooky, but I think it's true leh, really.

Love you, Daddy. Thanks for constantly watching over us.

// Oh and while you're here please tell it to stop uh, disturbing my sleep. MUAHS. //

2010-07-22T21:35:00.002+08:00

HAIYOHHHHHHHHH! *huge huff of disgruntled-ness*

Wlao, how come it seems like I have to wait for everything that I want lately? I'm really kinda annoyed at the whole laptop loan thing cause I just discovered that we have t wait 14 days for the fucking loan to process and another 14 days to get the fucking laptop. That, plus maybe another week to day of appointment...

WHAAAAAAAAAAT! >:O

And I start school in like slightly more than one week. Like that how! I was looking forward to having one week with my newest baby and getting used to it. And loading in all my favourite tunes and photos. And learning how to PS! Now I won't have time for ANY of this at all, thanks very much ah cheesebuns.

And and and, I never knew prior to buying my pink BB housing that I had to wait like 21 days for it

Mega sad, please. >:( I WANT MY NEW GADGETS LIKE NAOOOOO!

...

Okayyy.

*sighs*

I busted my demure cover today during matriculation cause I was super panicky. Didn't have one form, had to dash all over to print it. Went in, mad cut the queue (I'M SORRY) cause I swum forward to join Ivan & Henry :/, cursing all the way 'cause yah, not very sure what to do. My matric card doesn't say "Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine" leh. ): Why huh, I thought it's supposed to be there? Nao I is cannot cheat people.

On the plus side though, I got my ez link card today, HOHOHOHO! Hello, concessions. :D

2010-07-14T23:58:00.002+08:00

Yeap, I'm definitely getting better, and it makes me happy. Take that, and that!

Life at school seems to already be kicking off, despite the fact that term has not started yet. :/ Going down for medicine and engineering rag (don't ask me why engineering, idk also). And then all the random jiapalang days that I have to go down for like, registration, uniform measurement, etc. And in between OG outings, courses, open classes, and YOG, I barely have enough time for myself anymores. Which is tres ironic since I quit XM just to have more time for myself before term starts. T_T

Anyhoo.

I'm really ultra mega excited lately cause:

#1: YOG combined rehearsals are starting this Saturday, which is total shit awesomeness.

#2: I've got kakis for reggae, popping and locking. :D

#3: School is starting and even though the timetable is cui, I'm embarking on smth close to what I've always wanted to do. And I think my friends are nice. Most of them are, anyways.. Anatomy and physio, ftw. \m/

#4: O School recital auditions are coming up!

#5: Dance Blast, maybe, perhaps.

#6: Macbook, macbook, macbook! >:D

...

So many stuff is dance related. >:/ Oh wells, but I really can't wait to learn and grow, and then learn and grow somemore. Hope I really can improve exponentially and overcome this confidence block so I'd one day, be a better dancer.

Did I mention, TBG WAS FUCKING AWESOME! So inspiring.

// Clarissa's scolding someone in her sleep, hahaha. //

I really need to thank those who've made all this way easier for me. You know who you are. Much loves. :)

And as for the rest, don't complain that I've changed. You made me this way.

2010-06-25T20:39:00.004+08:00

ROAR.

I just got rejected by NTU for the second time, fml. So I guess this is it luh, it's nursing for real. (T______T") I should stop being reluctant and embrace my new life.

This song is super stuck in my head naos.

Four Leaf Clover by Diana Vickers

2010-06-24T09:02:00.003+08:00

I keep thinking I'd be better, that time would heal the wound. But then I keep very accidentally noticing stuff about them; that they're going out without me, they're happier without me, and that keeps peeling off the scab that's supposed to help me heal.

I'm bordering on being whiney here, but really, truly, honestly, my life as of now feels totally bleak and cloudy. Stark contrast to a few months ago when I felt secure and happy that I have my family, my friends and dance, eh? I just feel super insecure. Like, I suck really badly. And this is affecting EVERYTHING around me nao, like omfgcheesebuns. I don't dare to really be myself and go make new friends in school cause I feel like I suck and no one will wna be friends with me. I feel totally stagnant in dance cause my confidence died. It was funny cause these are the things I know I can do. Pirouette, no prob, or at least it used to be. One and a half turns, I could so definitely do when I was practicing by myself. Chenneyes (?), I used to be able to do four nice ones before I go mad dizzy. But I seem to have lost all these, and it's making me shit depressed cause I suck. ): Don't even mention camps, I feel like a complete whale.

I don't know how I'm supposed to help myself out of this void.

If only it's that easy for me.

2010-06-20T22:41:00.002+08:00

AND OH OMG,

camps! piggy-backs! fuck, must wear swim suit! I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die.

starving myself whole of next week (except Nic's birthday :D) in lieu of said dastardly camps and broken bank account homg, cheesebuns. O_O

plus I think I'd be damn shag. If i live to report the happenings and cuties (crosses fingers!)...

2010-06-20T22:24:00.005+08:00

I realised just how many people frequents my blog when suddenly so many people asked me why my blog became private and asked for invites.

Still in recovery lah, gonna shut everyone else out until everything becomes okay, at least for me. Right now, at least that non-stop crying is over. :/ Maybe the gap that's been dug out will slowly fill itself soon. Hopefully. I always knew I gave my heart to people too quickly/easily. Maybe I really should be more wary, especially in uni. :(

I actually have alot of things to blog about. But I don't know how to pen my thoughts, so I'd just keep it in my head for now. I just want you all to know that I really appreciate your presence, your love and your concern.

And KNN bonitochico, my dressss! Die, viola, die.

2010-06-15T09:03:00.002+08:00

Made my blog private so I could have a peace of mind blogging.

I'm really super, super tired today. It's cold, I lack sleep, and my heart is so fucking worn out from all that I've put it through lately. I don't know how much more bruises my confidence can take. Or how much more tears my eyes can produce, actually. I lie in bed at night, flipping all these problems around in my head. I cry until I can't anymore. And I go back to running through everything in my head again.

Maybe I was just being super naive. But when I call a person a "friend", I honestly and truly, wholeheartedly treat you as one. And I'd go all out for you. To think that the bulk of my "friendships" are unrequited really kills me.

And for being stupid, I guess I deserve to push myself into oblivion.

2010-06-01T11:08:00.001+08:00

Now you know.

2010-05-24T00:01:00.002+08:00

好累，是自己的期望搞垮了自己还是别人的高攀令我特别的难受，我已经分不清了。

我要的不是这样的自己。别再问我是否想过瘦下来。是白痴吗？天下哪个女孩是想一辈子做胖子。是我一次又一次的经不起抵抗，败给了美食的诱惑。我没用。这问题我已经式着克服足足有6年了。如果能成功也早就成功了。所以别再叫我住嘴，我不用式也知道没用。自己的身体自己最了解，我现在唯一能瘦身的方法是最爱的舞蹈了。

今天又和妈妈吵了一番。女人生理期时最好少惹，无端端发起脾气来可是可怕得很。但我最不能认同的是吵架的原因。嗨，人家口中说的“没钱是万万不能”可是很真实的道理哟。在我的家里钱等于力量。赚最多的钱，说的话也就变得最大。我是超想摆脱这些因钱而起的琐碎事，但偏偏这些事的起因是自己当年的无知幼稚，想摆脱也是五六年之后的事吧。好难受。我关心你，你说我烦，我不为所闻，你就整天嚷嚷说不爱你不孝你不够关心你。我真的不知道你要我以什么方式来爱你，孝敬你。妈妈，你也得懂得逆爱不是一件好事呀。以后照顾她的人是我，你走的时候而她不把我放在眼里，我该怎么办才好呢？妈妈，你也得照顾好身子啊。你若病倒了，这个家现在还没能力资程自己，那我们又该怎么办呢？我说的话，纯粹是因为关心你和她，难道就呢么刺耳，听不下去吗？这个时候，“Perfect" 这首歌最足以表达我心里的内轰。永远不令你满意的我，不能令你为我而骄傲的我，是否从来没资格做你的女儿？对不起，我真的已经很努力过了。连最基本的沟通能力也没有的我们，在未来的日子能有真实的快乐吗？还是我们一直以来的努力只换得来短暂虚伪的幸福？

妈妈，对不起。我从来没做个好女儿，但是我已经尽力了。

2010-05-16T11:32:00.002+08:00

Head's seriously spinning. Ever since I've been on that leaky bus yesterday. ): Think my only brain cell got poisoned or something.

I'm seriously quite upset with where my life is heading for now. No news from NTU. I really don't see why people don't understand; I don't mind nursing, but I WANT NTU. It's so much better for me in so many ways. And I'm not someone who settles for second best.

Gahh, not knowing is killing me. Hearing news of people receiving their rejection letters is freaking me out. I even freaking dreamt I received notice of interviews for the 18th. Like, wtf luh.

Please answer my prayers, please, please, please.

2010-05-15T15:58:00.001+08:00

I'm just seriously, seriously scared.

2010-05-13T13:52:00.003+08:00

It was raining just now, so we decided to cab back to office so we don't get wet otw back to work. Whats-the-name-Iceland-volcano erupted mah, so 'cause of it's exhaust fumes, the rain these days are unhealthy, so it's not good to be caught in it luh.

Bee was carrying a drink. So the first cab driver quite rudely told us he wouldn't take us and he drove away. But that was fine, 'cause at least he told us before we even boarded. The second one was just a fucking asshole. We boarded the cab and told him the destination (which, I understand is REALLY quite nearby, but money earned is still money, no?) and he shoo-ed us off the cab with a bunch of excuses. Wtcheesepie. It's damn fuck obvious that he didn't want to like send us there cause it's very nearby, cause all his shit excuses came up AFTER we said where we wna go. Like...

"Uncle, 50 Scotts Road, Cairnhill Road there."

"It's just in front only leh!!"

"Yah, but raining mah..."

"Why just now the driver don't wna send you?"

"Orh, cause he didn't allow my friend with the drink onboard."

"Drink?!"

*I glared at him*

"YAH! Drink, see that milk tea in her hand?!"

"Then his car cannot my car can luh?!"

"WTF? So you don't want to send us is it?"

"No luh, but Scotts Road there jam now!"

"WTF?! We just came from there, and it wasn't jammed just now!!"

"Then I have to make a big U-turn!"

"SO YOU DON'T WANT SEND US IS IT!"

"No luh..."

"YOU WANT TO SEND US ANOT!!?"

"No."

-.- Ahhh, wtf luh seriously. Fucker, I cab so often I know it's against your regulations to discriminate against your passengers because of their destinations okay. Mr SMRT Cabbie of S217--, you're such a humji fucktart, give us so many lousy excuses just to push us off, and you still dare to pick up the passenger behind us? Just fuck you, and I'd bless you with many many long distance passengers who forget t bring money/not enough money/rob you. See whether next time you dare to be greedy anot.

Mad pissed nao because of that asshole.

If you're having a pissed off day today like me, maybe this will cheer you up.

2010-05-10T21:30:00.002+08:00

Hmm. Don't normally use my laptop at night cause I face a bloody computer all day at work. Had to today to settle the bc issue, which fuck yeah, is finally resolved, making me an extremely happy girl, woots. And I'm even even more happy today 'cause the hi-cuts are here! And they're pretty!

What I'm not happy about is money deficit, rah seriously. Was forced to buy another pair of pumps after my brown Rubix one gave way today, knn. Swearing off the bloody brand. Their pumps forever spoils in like a month and their wedges totally digs into my toe like nobody's business. I'll either buy good shoes or no shoes next time. >:O RAH. And I have roughly 100 for the rest of the month after all the payment for lessons. :(

Or less. Fuuuuck.

I'm abit confused by my sudden preference for gay guys, lololol. I want a gay bff, damnit. They're such interesting people. Totally my sort 'cause I dig hopeless causes.

In life right, sometimes you just shouldn't care so much. It's beyond my place as a friend to directly interfere, and it's so frustrating to watch from the sidelines also. 'Cause I really don't want you to be hurting so much and be mushroomed in this cloud of negativity and misery. It's not that I'm sick of hearing your problems you know, I really am not. I'm just frustrated at being helpless other than moving my mouth. But really luh, parents being parents, I know tt REALLY, despite all their misery they still want the best for you. But silently suffering will just kill you mentally. You have to stand up for yourself, make what you feel known. Fight for your own right to be happy. Would you want your last memories of home to be that of painful silences and pented up anger? Would you want to be one of those to leave and never come back?

Make the right choice for yourself baby, there's always a solution or a compromisation to things. Strive for that, make yourself happier.

2010-05-09T22:25:00.001+08:00

... I think I still care about you more than I should.

Happy Mother's Day, mummy. I've never been a model daughter and I've broke your heart more times than I ever should. But I love you, I really do, and I thank you for all that you've done for me. (:

2010-05-03T20:37:00.001+08:00

LOL, sometimes I really don't know if I should be amused or shit pissed at Clarissa. Her reactions are all like super funny. Like just now I was (empty) threatening her as usual...

J: "You waste food, God will be very angry you know!"

C: "Noooo! God is my Father, he won't angry!"

J: (-.-#) "God make food for you, then you throw away, of course he angry! Later he send the thunder and lightning come and BOM you, you know!"

c: ... "But he don't have the thunder lightning (phone) number!"

*stunned silence from me*

Later on...

J: You tell me why you waste food. Why?

C: Because.. I don't want the banana,..... *manjas*

J: (-.-##) BUT IT'S BANANA BREAD HOW TO NO BANANA!!?

And further on...

//she was glaring at me across the table at dinner//

J: YOU SEE WHAT SEE LUH! EAT YOUR FOOD!

C: ... *squeezes shut eyes and eat blindly*

*stunned silence*

... amongst many others, wts. I always feel like laughing but must ren cause I'm scolding her. (.___.)

But, seriously luh, mummy really spoils her shit rotten. I can't believe what happened today luh. Normally when I roar at her cause she did something wrong she'd at least look apologetic and manja me so I'd be less pissed. Today she was shaking her legs, crossing her arms, rolling her eyes, and her tears were like drop dead fake. Literally, so fake until I died. I'm appalled that this should come out of a less than 4 year old. >:O

How? I don't want a monster Clarissa.

2010-04-27T09:45:00.005+08:00

Feel like a nong nong nong post today 'cause there's nothing to do at work. Well, sort of.

Freaking annoyed by the cough that has been building the past couple of days. You'd think after the sniffles and fever and headaches go away, I'd be much better and everything, but no, the cough has to come. Annoying dipshit. >:\ And it's one of those deep racking coughs that is meant to clear phelgm from your throat, but it just doesn't.

GRRRRR.

*eavesdropping on Gadis's SMU interviews review*

Whoa, SMU's interviews really sounds quite cui. Almost 3 hours odd of turmoil, wtf. The NUS-nursing one that I went to was a-okay, I guess. The two interviewees were professors, both really nice and friendly, one not-so nice and friendly actually, so I felt comfortable enough to yak non-stop. :/ But aiyah, I fully exemplified my lack thereof of a brain 'cause I yakked until I forgot the question and then abruptly ended my speech 'cause I couldn't answer the question anymorezzz. Then sometimes I feel like I don't elaborate enough on my points cause nervous brain fried. Other than that... Yeah, it was okay.

AND TOMORROW, GOT FREDY'S LESSON, HAHA. I miss his lessons so much, ugh contemporary lessons by XXX go away faster. Idk if I mentioned this before, I'm so totally switching studios for contemporary. And I've said this one millionzx times but I REALLY SHOULD START TRAINING UP ON BASICS, JKONG YOU LAZEE BITCH. >:O

(p.s:// liying come help me more often I promise I won't kb so much :P)

Am so freaking inspired by SYTYCD all over again, btw. Go search for SYTYCD - Tore My Heart if you don't know what I mean. Can't wait to watch season7! Loves.

On more recent events,

my dear ju-juniors. (:

the council investiture just came and went. Looking at the 30th step up makes me smorgasmically proud of them. Cassandra, Junyi, Cheryldine, Belmen, Yuan ning, Gucci, and everyone else. *fist to chest* You go, y'all. Enjoy the ride, it's gonna forge so many beautiful (and occasionally, painful) memories for y'all. And honestly, it's the 30th already. I feel so... ancient, hanging out with them. :/ Congratulations also to the 29th, it's been a tough term for you all and this break is totally well-deserved. Study hard nao for A's!

Most of the Valeons went back, well, most female Valeons since all the guys were in NS, being botak warriors. :P

IT WAS AUH-SOME MEETING ALL OF YOU AGAINSZX. And we should really meet up more often. T play cling-cling and husband&wife! :D

Nao, speaking about Valeons, I strongly believe that we all share common memories and ideals and 10 years down the road, if we ever meet again, we'd still be awesome friends who can talk, laugh and friendly fire each other. We've been through so much. I really, really believe that for the core of us, we can like, not talk to each other for very long but when we meet again, it'll sort of be like time didn't pass and we're still as close as ever. Okay, maybe not as close as ever, but we'll still be tight. How can we not be when we've shared so much? It's not fairytale thinking, it's not being unrealistic. It's KNOWING the strength and tenacity of our friendships, and if you don't know it, then shame on you.

*coughs* Directed at someone, obviously.

(p.p.s:// There's this irritating fucktard in the office who speaks in a variety of fake American accents. _|_, much?)

AND I MISS MY CLASSMATES. CAN WE MEET SOON, YOU ASSES!?

Sayyong is botak naooo! :D

Lastly, anonymity over the internet protects you... and shows how much of a cowardly dick-head you are, trbo. I'm not bothered by whatever you say about me, I'm more protective in a sense that my mom might get indirectly hurt by your comments 'cause she occasionally reads my blog. So I'm going to try and remember my login ID for cbox so I can delete your tag, and I'd continually delete your tags. (I normally stalk the internet with my BB and at work and at home, so I'd delete faster than you can say knnbccb.) And anyway, what else can you insult me about other than being fat? *rolls eyes* Like I haven't been called that my whole life. And mind you, I'm tech noob but some of my friends aren't. I can hunt you down if I want to. This is the last response you'd get from me.

2010-04-23T22:42:00.003+08:00

I hope you juniors read this and read this well. I don't know why the fuck it matters to you, but whether or not I screwed anyone's brains off is none of your business, thank you. If you honestly thought about it carefully, sex at our age is rampant. Probably every single couple who's looking to be long term has done it. So why is it still such a big deal? Get off your fucking moral pedestal and come back to reality, bitch.

And why me? Is it because of the partying, the red-hair, or the obsession with short skirts and low-cut tops? Anyway, if you're gna waste your life away gossiping about me, my word is to go right on ahead. I don't care if you think I lost my virginity and was/am still whorey and slutty. My friends know the truth and that's all that really matters. You are NOBODY to me, and thus I shall not give a fuck what your perverse little minds think. Go on gossiping and fail your A's/fuck your life up/accumulate bad karma, who cares.

Remember, karma's a bitch only when you are. You might have hurt me with your snide words, break my spirit with your actions. But I promise you your vindictive cheer is merely temporary, and sooner or later karma will eat you alive.

2010-04-18T00:13:00.000+08:00

Just another moment of deliberation.

我好累。

2010-04-16T09:39:00.006+08:00

God, I just HAD to go spoil my morning by reading something when it was actually a good morning. I'm such a fucking glutton for punishment.

Oh wells, I'm gonna fuck work for a moment 'cause there's ALOT of things on my mind that I need to get off, off, off.

Yesterday was actually quite fun.

It was freaking raining and gusty and motherfucking cold, so the walk to Cathay from PS was quite hilarious. Plus there was lightning flashing across the sky every one minute or so and I keep ducking my head 'cause I scared kena strike. :P Tall people reflex. And Jess was quite cute yesterday 'cause she wore a lacey blue fedora with her outfit. *gushes* I like! But I can't wear hats 'cause it makes my head look smaller and my body proportionally bigger. I shall wait.

And then just before class started, Jess's chicken became too wet and started leaking all over, and in a mad scramble to help her get tissues, I knocked my BB into a deep, dusty crack in between the wall and the built-in sofa. T_T Boo. Like major karma after bitching constantly for the past two weeks, can. And because the sofa is built-in, there's no way to pull it out, no way to go behind it. So technically, die luh. Thank god for the three darlings from Jitterbugs who helped me poke my BB with a pole and get it out eventually. Lesson learnt, just DON'T sit at that area anymore.

I WANT MY BB TO BE LIKE THIS! :D
(and then i'd go mad counting all the mi-mis. lol)

Contemporary lessons were... wow. So fucking different. The warmups itself were like woah; everything was done lying down, I now totally understand the importance of abs/core muscles, and he made us go into a fucking split from both the left and right. Then there was the "vertebrae, by vertebrae" thing. I swear, it's super intimidating 'cause the teacher is quite stone-faced and the complete opposite of Fredy (whom I missed alot during yesterday's lessons ._.), and the whole feel of the lesson is very sombre and quiet, and the music is scary 'cause it's like chanting or something and super oppressive, and then I can't be me, 'cause bursting out in laughter in the class apparently is a no-no and my posture sucks, so having to constantly straighten my back and chins up and stomachs in and butts tight is a real chore. *takes deep breaths* Oh, and the tondieus (?) were LOL. I look completely ridiculous and it's really hard not to laugh at myself 'cause we were standing right in front and I couldn't hide behind anyone. AND THEN THERE WAS THE JUMPS. LOL LOL LOL *dies*

Other than ALL that and looking like shit, I had fun. :D Right now, if I were to compare between contemp and mtv groove, I most definitely prefer MTV groove. Roar. I signed up for girls hiphop in May, yesterday. Happiness. And I can't wait to start MTV groove 2 in June, if there is.

Yeap, I think I'm happier now than I've ever been since holidays started. For one, I'm dancing and even though it's tiring physically and a blow to my confidence all. the. time, but at least I'm doing what I love to do and I'm happy doing it. And then I know I'm slowly getting over him. Like it still hurts, but rather than nua and die over the hurt, I'm more like "okay, it's not my place to care anymore" and then I move on. So yeap, the baby steps that I'm taking makes me happier. And also, I have a new eye candy, whom I totally shouldn't eye candy btw, but aiyah, fuck he's hot and that's all that matters. Now, if only I could be as confident as he is. :\

So lately, other than all the admissions stuff that's blowing my mind and killing me, I'm happy.

:D, even though I'm dead broke from paying for dance and other stuff. Looking for someone to go the Mushroom Pot on a weekday for dinner. You know ladies get 20% off for the buffet? ;)

And my new favourite song: Catch Me, Demi Lovato. Thanks T.Lai. xoxo

Before I fall too fast
Kiss me quick
But make it last
So i can see how badly this will hurt me
When you say good bye

Keep it sweet
Keep it slow
Let the future pass
And don't let go
But tonight i could fall to soon under this beautiful moonlight

But you're so hypnotizing
You got me laughing while i sing
You got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unraveling
And your love is where im falling
But please don't catch me

See this heart
Wont settle down
Like a child running scared from a clown
I'm terrified of what you'll do
my stomach screams just when I look at you

Run far away
So I can breathe
Even though you're far from suffocating me
I can't set my hopes to high
Cuz every hello ends with a goodbye

But you're so hypnotizing
You've got me laughing while I sing
You've got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unraveling
Your love is where im falling
But please don't catch me

So now you see
Why I'm scared
I cant open up my heart without a care
But here i go
Its what i feel
and for the first time in my life i know its real

But you're so hypnotizing
You've got me laughing while I sing
You've get me smiling in my sleep
And i can see this unraveling
And your love is where im falling
So please don't catch me

And if this is love
Please don't break me
I'm giving up
So just catch me

2010-04-15T13:54:00.003+08:00

Having a crazy motherfucking headache, roaaar. Work is like the last place I wna be at now, seriously. ): Don't want to have to face people when I'm all grouchy.

Contemporary later. Aiyah, don't talk about that. MTV/street jazz only I feel quite sad liao. 'Cause I feel very stagnant nao. Maybe it's the lack of basic practice, or just not enough C-drive or just me luh. Certain routines I can do, some are just point blank T_T. Like yesterday's routine. Super FML max 'cause after dance and on the way home, I totally couldn't remember that 20 second routine already.

Yah, so... Can't help but feel very demoralized and cui when I think about all the hurdles that I still cannot overcome. That includes my confidence issues.

Might meet a new friend at dance later, so I'm really happy and excited. Just hope I don't further suck at it or I'd be doubly cui.

2010-04-14T15:48:00.002+08:00

I totally want to go do my nails. Ugh. Maybe this weekend.

cute chanel inspired nails. :D

and I see the bag every-fucking-where, I want!

And in an attempt to be/get healthier, me and Rachel bought honey bunches of oats and strawbie yoghurt for lunch tomorrow and friday. :D We just tried a bowl. Smorgasmicly nice luh, omfg. Yoghurt is from some tub we picked up at Cold Storage at TK's recommendation. Loveeeeeeeee. So nice.

Woke up with a jolt at 6 today 'cause the new alarm tone goes like "BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING!". Did 100 crunches, stretches and then butterflies on the bed 'cause I din wanna move my ass. :P My maid woke up while I was doing the butterflies and she thought I got possessed or something. Lol.

I'm excited cause contemporary classes starts on Thursday! Whee. I'm gonna sign up for girls hiphop for May and mtv groove 2 for June. So effectively in June, there'd be dance from Mon - Thurs, *maniac laughter*. But at least I know I'd be happy doing what I love.

N, I miss you luh, you shit pants. I know you're busy in school and I'm busy with work/dance, but it just feels like we're not talking anymore. ): I don't wanna drift leh, and then it seems like everytime I talk to you, you're there, but not there. Like, did I do something wrong, that I don't know about, that's why you're not talking to me? Grah. I barely even know what's going on in your life anymore. *monster pouts* I don't know what to say anymore so I'd leave it at that. I just miss you. Period.

Maybe that's just inevitable. Hmm.

lol

2010-04-13T17:07:00.002+08:00

I read this and I'm so bloody freaking moved and inspired. WTG, Apple. :)

This really changes some perspectives in life. What's waking up just an hour earlier so I can do routine stretches or practice basics or go for a walk downstairs when compared to 6 hours of travel time. What's 3 consecutive days of single classes compared to 4 consecutive day of thriple classes.

I will work and push harder. Since forever you've sort of been a role model. The way you push size issues out of your way and not let it affect your confidence. The way you shine when you dance/work it on stage. Now you're like an even bigger role model because of your absolute passion for dance.

Thank you. (:

2010-04-13T15:31:00.001+08:00

2010-04-12T19:48:00.002+08:00

Just stretched (not alot 'cause my muscles are all shit tight from yesterday) and did 100 crunches, fml. Now my stomach aches and I'm super gassy. Blahhh.

IDK what's wrong with me these days. I'm forever unable to sleep, forever distracted, forever easily pissed and it's not PMS. I mean, how many times can a girl pms in one month. Twice luh, maybe. Once pre once post. So, I donch think it's PMS. And I donch know what's wrong with me.

[PS: HAHA, IDK why lady haha is up on chinese mtv. And the clean version is so disjointed and blah.]

Still feeling very restless because of uni admissions. When you hear of people getting interviews and then you don't get interviews, you just get really worried. Especially since I'm a gan cheong idiot who wants things as and when. ): Good luck to those who are going for interviews though, I'm shit-pants jealous and envious.

Anyways, congratulations to not-so-little oh me for passing BTT. Major blonde moment 'cause I panicked when there wasn't any mouse. :P Wheeeee. So, FTT is in june and thank god there aren't lessons NOW 'cause of god-knows what shit. Otherwise I'd be definitely cash strapped like shit.

Congratulations also to the brand new 30th. :D

I want that red bowler hat from cineleisure. Which asshole luh, you see. Put it on my head make me fall in love with it. AND THURSDAY CONTEMPT LESSONS, WHOOOO. :D

2010-04-08T15:49:00.005+08:00

Had a super, super funny moment with Rach at work just now. :D

Have you heard the song: "Are You Scared Of Me" by Fedde Le Grand? Go listen to it.

Then, imagine this:

(Bella is trying to say she knows Edward is a vampy)

Edward: SAY IT! SAY IT OUT LOUD!

Bella: V..vampire.

...

Edward: (sings)

"ARE YOU SCARED OF ME!?

ARE, ARE YOU SCARED OF ME!!"

(LOL @ BELLA'S FACE, APT MAXZXZ)

Edward: (sings)

"DON'T BE

SCARED OF ME!!

D-DON'T BE

SCARED OF ME!!"

...

Bella: WTF?! Are you serious?!!!! _|_

JAKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!

xoxo

*runs away*

2010-04-05T13:27:00.004+08:00

A love you can't show is the most painful thing. I get how you feel just like how I used to (and still) feel. *sighs* I have Wedding Dress on replay now, it's making me feel all crumbly and nostalgic-y and pondering yet again on all the what-ifs and could-have-beens.

So today, I turn 20.

Grah. Instead of side-tracking, maybe I should just concentrate on work and think about the steps of love drunk cause I still can't fully get it. ):

and my nightmare would be turning 20. ):

if you had another night to give,
i would have another night to live.
but you never gonna see me cry,
the last goodbye.

2010-04-04T21:19:00.003+08:00

Sigh.

I think I really have been spoilt the past two years when it comes to birthdays. It's no secret that I love surprise parties, 'cause I'm too much of a lazy, self-centred bitch. :P I had my 18th at Eve's, with my besties and my babies (i.e. campers). And my 19th, once with valeons during our photoshoot, and another with SCDC-ians.

This year, I knew it would be a little different. Quieter, with everyone busy with their own stuff. I told myself not to get my expectations up so I wouldn't get unjustly disappointed when really, nothing happens.

Then quite unexpectedly, the Valeons sprung a truly, truly surprising party for me at Sentosa on Saturday. I was thoroughly and COMPLETELY surprised 'cause unlike other years, I caught no wind about it at all. Loved the cake, loved the huge-ass card, loved the company. 'Nuff said, valeons, you the best! Special thanks to Jess&Hendy for bringing the cake, Gadis for working until 3AM on the card, Celisse for alllllll the photos, How Sun for cheating me completely and EVERYONE else who was there, yeah?

Some other person (note: singular) was there, too. But oh well, who gives a shit. And besides that I think I've just sustained the worse sun burn I've ever gotten in all 20 years of my life. ): I look in the mirror and I get absolutely horrified cause the redness of my skin clashes terribly with the red in my hair.

Other than that...

I'm absolutely terrified. April this year is gonna be one of the most god-awful months.

For one, I'm super worried about uni acceptance now. Seriously, seriously, totally worried. I pray that all the times I've been good and give up my seat despite being disgustingly tired or when I've helped random people or when I've kept my bitch-tennae away will now all add up and result in me getting into NTU.

And then, there's that constant question of expenses. *big frown* Ugh. My pay from XM is gonna be disgusting this month because of all the time I've taken off to go back to school and help out for LINE. I'm praying superbly hard that the pay from school comes through and that someone somewhere doesn't suddenly decide to be a bitch and delay stuff. Ugh. 'Cause this month, I need to pay for dance courses which rounds up to $350 excluding shoes. And driving lessons are gonna start. Literally am going to like eat grass this month and I totally do not KNOW how I'm going to survive. Seriously. If someone somewhere fucks up and I can't pay for my dance lessons I will be SHIT PISSED. >:(

And BTT's on Saturday. I've failed every single 50 question online BTT that I've taken. Have fun, laughing at me 'cause my life officially sucks.

SIGH.

Then you know the "not expecting too much translates into lesser disappointment" thing. Ugh. So true. I'm tearing my hair out battling with that when I know I shouldn't expect 'cause I know you won't deliver and then I would be disappointed, ugh, fml. And I can't even say I won't try not to expect just because I know I cannot do it. ): Aiyah fuck, how long has it been since anything happened so why the shit am I expecting so much from you.

2010-03-30T10:16:00.003+08:00

Ahhh, the day-after-monday blues. ):

Cabinet results are out. Disappointed cause there are completely worthless people inside and then there are the good ones who aren't.

You know, you can piece a broken vase back together so that it looks just like it used to before you broke it. Thing is, no matter how perfect it may be on the outside, the cracks would always, always show on the inside. And piecing it together to almost perfection requires a lot of effort to begin with anyways. *sighs* It always pays off to be honest luh, people. ):

I'm quite morose these days cause I'm turning twenty, so soon. Plus other issues that I've been turning over in my head. Relationships are such a complication. And then there's acceptance I've to brood over too. ):

Gah. I hope the insomnia thing stops. It's killing all my brain cells.

This made me laugh, cause it's such a me thing to do. I love my ju-juniors. :D Hopefully the rallies would be a-okay for them.

2010-03-26T10:51:00.003+08:00

I'm disappointed in you. Honestly. I thought we grew closer since idk when, I thought by now we should be really good friends who confide, trust and encourage each other. What I sought was a vote of confidence, to make me believe that everything will work out, but all you did was bruise my ego. Yes, slimming down would equate confidence which WOULD make me a more confident dancer, but it's not everything that's core and essential to being a good dancer. I have the passion, and the spirit, and I'd dance till my toes fester and bleed just to show you that I can be damn bloody good at dance EVEN if I'm bigger than convention.

So bloody pissed at myself for being a complete, total idiot.

2010-03-24T12:34:00.003+08:00

Uhm, oops. I just made a huge mess in the quiet room and on my dance shirt. ): Boo. I was just about to gloat once again that the company is fawesome 'cause I can make free nutella-banana sandwiches and noms on them so I can save money for dance later, haha. Then the mess happened and so, nutella-banana sandwiches are not exactly very smart after all. Shit.

Oh and there's this very ci xiang, smiley, skinny cleaning aunty in the office that I love. She's fawesome. She help me cut my banana. Hahahaha. (oooh, that sounds kinda wrong) And boil water for my cup noodles. Not only today that she's nice, she's nice almost everyday, wheee. :D Imma take a photo with her on my last last day of work.

I have to run about town later to pull together the materials I need for NUS's financial assistance application. Don't even no why I'm doing it now, since I'm not accepted, yet. ): But aiyah, just in case, I guess. Looking forward to meeting bony TLai. Then to dance later. ZOMGGGG, intermediate level. I'm scared! >:( Why must I be such an absymal slow poke in catching choreography, why, why, why! If only I have more space on my C-Drive, seriously.

*stares at yvonne's chippys with wide eyes*

Haha, it's just the two of us in the quiet room today. So sadddd. And she eats like Lim Ther. Srsly, bestie. I feel like tearing my hair out.

I wna go for hair treatments, then on my birthday, IMMA BE A BLONDE! :D

So, shhhhh.

2010-03-23T10:17:00.007+08:00

UPDATED!

Back at XM again, and bored as hell. *pouts* It's rainy and absolutely lovely to sleep in to, but nope, I'm at work, stoning, staring at this guy who's totally zinging my gay-dar. LOL. And we're situated in this room, known as the quiet room, but it apparently isn't very quiet here cause it's near an exit door and everybody BANGS their way out.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Thank god there's my new boyfriend accompanying me. (: Can't wait for rachel to join me at XM. Life without bitching is b-oringg. I miss How Sun, Cel and Gad. Life at XM without you bitches is awfully quiet.

Nyah nyah nyah.

I'm super broke these days. $20 to last me till the next pay check, homfg. And there's so many things I waaaaant. Oh well, you know, April is coming, babies. And in April, it's gonna be lao niang's 20 da shou. Am not looking forward to it, but oh wells, presents/parties are always welcome. ;)

ICA'S 20TH WISHLIST, NOMS NOMS!

#1) Shoes for contemporary classes. These babies are known as dance paws or whatever the shit it's known. I'd be about a L/XL size. Save my poor feet from blisters, please! :D

#2) Shoes for hiphop/jazz classes.

I have my eye on this pair of reebok high cuts that are flipping gorgeous. Spotted at Limited Edition. It's white, black, blue and pink. *beams*

Something quite like this.

#3) I so definitely want a new shopping bag. Tote/sling, whatever. ):

#4) Brown's Lost Symbol.

#5) My iTouch is quite naked. A skin would be nice, too. :D

#6) Me love accessories.

#7) Me love pwetty flats. I'm about a size 9-10, 40-41. Currently into nudes and like sneakers sort, but not really sneakers.

#8) Benefit makeup.

*rolls around* or else just get me gift cards from F21/dorothy perks/topshop/newlook.

Actually am pretty contented with life now. So there really isn't anything much that I want other than to be able to support myself through dance and driving classes for the next few months or so. Yeap.

And I'm happy it's all finally tucked away in a little stone corner of my heart.

p.s:// homg, i swear mummy and i share some sort of telepathy. i just posted about wanting a bag, and she called me to ask what sort of bag i want! :D it's like how i dream of spaghetti and then want to eat spaghetti and the next morn, she cooks spaghetti. love maxzxz.

2010-03-18T19:44:00.002+08:00

:D New gadgets in the house. HD tv and a home theatre system. Totally feel like watching twilight now. Hahahaha. Zomg, but that's like goodbye to my old tv. It's been with me for almost ten years. It's fucking fat and ugly but, TEN YEARS. Sentimental value, you know. My mom wanted to change it about a million years ago but I kept saying no. Now, the new tv's gonna be clarissa's mate for the next ten years.

Andddd. I've got my new iTOUCH, love maxzxzx. 64GB of total awesomeness.

Camp didn't do me any good this time round. ): Pimples + weight, zomfg.

2010-03-13T21:15:00.002+08:00

How much is it worthed to mention that she's not broken, she's just a baby?

Her smile's like old crackers- they won't snap, nor crumble, but you know that they're not really there anymore.

2010-03-13T00:30:00.002+08:00

So much pent up frustration.

It sucks to know you don't care, it sucks to know you're not included, it sucks to know you're always, ALWAYS the butt of the joke.

Can you live without friends? Apparently it's not only lonely at the top. It's lonely everywhere so long as you're fat.

Right.

2010-03-11T15:04:00.000+08:00

But, I will move on. I will move on. I will move on.

2010-03-11T00:10:00.004+08:00

Thanks, whosoever made me start on CCS manga. Now my all-time fav anime since young totally beeps my weird/gay-dar. Roaar. I can't believe Tsukishiro and Toro are gay...

Today went well. :D

Started, of course with a nice dream (finally). I've gotten my debit card and my ibanking token. Hohoho, hello, online shopping world. :D And, and, and. We surprisingly managed to complete Line Night rehearsals today. Ah hah hah.

K Pop is so obviously the craze in JJ now. Bestie, you'd be happy there. They drove me mad with Bo Peep and Ring Ding Dong. I literally almost fucking tore my hair out.

And because I'm utterly random, check THIS out.

LOL! I think whoever came up with this must have been damn free. I mean, it's a totally rad idea, but don't you think it looks god damn stupid?! Hahahahahaha! I can't stop laughing at the last row of pictures.

Imagine this:

Boy: Hey baby, let's make out.

Girl: *batts eyelids* Okay. *coy smile*

Boy: *grins tiko-ly*

....

*ZIPS UP THE THINGY*

Girl freaks out and tears her way through, then runs away screaming.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Okay, fine. Maybe it's not that funny. T_T I wonder if there are like, XL versions of this. HAHAHA. I wont mind buying one.

2010-03-09T21:53:00.004+08:00

Some photos from my mummy's big day! :D

Idk why her face like that, the noms was good! Esp, the ribs and the kimchi pancake, zomfg. Now I'm hungry again.

Don't you think that the weather's so fucking, unbearably hot. GRAHH.

Anyways, today was a quite productive day. Did my finance file up, insurance folder, sent all my qualifications for photocopying (I made 5 copies of EVERYTHING, sua gu much?), thought about my essays, procrastinated, set out on filtering through the 110 photos I printed yesterday, cut, pasted and did up my JJ board. :D

All my lovelies together in one space. (: And my IGB20 is also like partially done, so tee hee. Imma happy, organised lady.

Essays essays essays.

2010-03-08T22:09:00.004+08:00

Splish, splash, splish;

her tears fell, fell, fell, but never reached the bottom of that well.

I'm this ball of frenzy, nervous, anxious energy and I do not know how to calm myself down (HOMG, so punny, ah hah hah). I really hope, pray, beg, plead that I get accepted. Oh please, oh please, oh please. I'm on tenterhooks about applying for private A's, too. I really think not knowing results is better. I could sleep better and everything and I had almost perfect dreams. Now, no dreams, cause I can't sleep. ): Fretting whole day 'cause of NTUNTUNTUNTU. HOMG.

Gah. And Spongebob (who sits on my bedside table) has scared me 3 nights in a row. Boo hoo.

I just spent $50 on photos from my two years in JJC. All the people that I love. Imma put some in my "IGB20" book and on the soon-to-be-repainted walls in my bedroom. So I'd see, and forever remember my happiest school years.

Happy Birthday, mummy! :D

I love you the most. May you be damn bloody lucky and strike 4D again.

And bestie, bestie, bestie.

I'm never a person of faith but I really, honest to goodness, pray that this year would be fruitful for you. And remember that I'd always, always, always be there for you, no matter what, no matter how. (:

I'd still be your study kaki as and when you need one, yeah? (Who knows, maybe I'd need your help if I'm taking private A's.) I know you're sad and all that, but stay strong and keep that chin up, yeah? And stay close, you. *frowns* I'd personally go JJ and kick your ass if you continue being a total arse and ignore your phone. Love ya like always.

2010-03-06T22:46:00.002+08:00

i feel like, just lying down on a patch of grass, in one fixed position, and staring, staring, staring until my eyes glass over.

decisions are such a painful affair. passion vs money, time vs chance, hope vs reality, expectations vs love. i can't. decide.

2010-03-06T21:30:00.001+08:00

I'm holding it in. I'm holding it in.

Oh fuck, why must you do this to me?..

2010-03-05T11:49:00.004+08:00

Had a rocking night @ BF :D

Then it was off to work. :D

And now it's time for RESULTS.

Mucho gracias, lovelies. For the AWESOME night. :D

(& i realise i got no individual shots with zp and shawn. T_T)

2010-03-03T10:04:00.003+08:00

Well, hullo lovelies.

To keep myself busy, I'm gonna dance my brains out tonight, go to work tomorrow and then teach tuition. Then go back and sleep all my weariness away, and re-highlight my hair on Friday morning before finally, finally accepting that it's dooms day. So eventful, no?

I think sometimes I dream a little too much. I think about you and me and imagine we're happy together. It sucks to say this, but I'm honestly happy tucked away in that little world of you and me. Then when it comes to reality, I'm almost always disappointed cause that world ceases to exist. But lately, I've found that I'm in a healthier place because I've learnt, not not to dream, not not to hope, but to let go of you a little bit more each day. No more emo-ing. (: I know you'd be happy for me.

That's why, no point thinking of how perfect we COULD be.

If we are meant to, we would be.

Love you, always. :D

2010-03-02T15:19:00.001+08:00

2010-03-02T10:02:00.003+08:00

If we check so many times already, and then there's still errors, so where's the fault? It's management problems at so many levels, seriously. I can't help but keep thinking back to leow. IMHO, if it's him that's our boss, perhaps this problem could be solved way back. Perhaps, really, no matter what we do, we all need a little dose of fear/respect to prod us along our way. In the working world, there apparently is little space for niceties. Bring on the roaring and the cursing and the "I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU ALR!".

I take back what I said to Alyssa just now, now. I'm fucking sick of doing almost the same thing day in, day out, and coming back to realise that there's still so many fucking errors. But thank god, despite it being hell-ass tedious, it's keeping my mind so busy tt everyday after work, I'm so tired my brain just shuts down as soon as I hit my bed. No time to think or brood.

3 MORE DAYS PEOPLE.

Btw, I missed you.

2010-03-01T11:44:00.003+08:00

we all need some chioness in life. VERSACE.

4 MORE DAYS.

and there's been a lot of crap floating around cause of the whole line camp/RV/school politics debacle and it's making me dulan maxzxz. C'mon, the 28th stays the 28th. Don't even attempt to break us with money. Such a fucking insult. And by 28th, I refer to the councillors AND the leaders. We're one. You don't want them, then well, you don't need us either.

Been talking to le Queen more than ever these days. And I really, really enjoy these mini bonding sessions. :D I love you loads, you super woman. I know you're stressed and tired out from work and everything, and I'm uber touched that despite all that, you still wna cook for me and everything. Every single meal you prepare for me, I'd enjoy, 'cause that's one hearty meal of love. Muackks.

Right now, I'm tempted to get a new camera. And help me decide!

Yeap and back's aching cause I've been sitting down too much. Blah. ): Office jobs are fucking unhealthy.

2010-02-28T09:43:00.001+08:00

There's a restaurant called Chomp Chomp.

If I have a cafe/restaurant, I'd name it Nom Nom/Nomica. :D LOL. Random.

2010-02-27T20:22:00.002+08:00

Me lubb depp.

And an occasional nice camwhore pic. :D

2010-02-26T22:16:00.003+08:00

Dear currently-illogical-self,

There’s a point in your life when you know who stays forever, and who’s just around for a while. People change, but so do you. Sometimes for the best, and sometimes for the worst.

Bad things happen to everyone, and you’re not in it alone. People lie, and some people just don’t care how you feel. Sometimes, you fall so irrevocably in love with a person, but the love never gets returned.

You think your life sucks, and well, maybe it does, but it's not the end of the world. Your heart still beats, no matter how much pain you’re in; you're still sucking in breaths of air, even though your chest is so tight, you think it might cave.

Everything will be okay eventually. Remember that there are always people in your life that just make your day, no matter the miles.

You've dealt with distance all your life; it isn't easy and it never will be. But it can be done and is definitely worth the pain. No matter how much it hurts, you know you’d always, ALWAYS rather keep in touch with the people you love, than just drop it and forget about it. You don’t forget the ones you love. It doesn’t work like that.

Give it alll you’ve got and live your life to the fullest.

Quit moping and moaning, and start LIVING, now.

Love,
your-sensible-inner-child.

2010-02-26T15:13:00.002+08:00

This is so officially a depressing day.

2010-02-26T10:23:00.002+08:00

My dreams lately have been significantly better than reality. So much so that I cling onto my pillow even though I know it's past the time to be awake. *sighs* Dreams. Are they the alternate reality, or the reverse of reality? Or pictures we paint for ourselves to satisfy what we want but don't get in the real world? If it is the latter, I guess it just speaks volumes about just how much I want...

I'm glad I've been having these dreams, even though the sweetness of all of these episodes become laced with bitterness the minute I wake up. At least I have something to cling onto, something to look forward to, rather then being disappointed all the time.

Suddenly tired beyond all reason. ):

Results gonna be out in EXACTLY one week now. I'm honestly starting to panic. I'm prepared to not do well. I keep imagining how it's gonna be like next Friday and I break into cold sweat. Fuck. And I keep telling myself not to think about it, but nope, my mind keeps running back to it.

Cranial activity overload, much?

Tensed, grumpy disappointed, hopeless.

2010-02-25T09:56:00.004+08:00

I think, I know who she is.

Oh, wild imagination, please be tamed. If you wna avoid heartbreak, that is.

"What should I do about the wild and the tame?
The wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home.
I want to be held.
I don't want you to come too close.
I want you to scoop me up and bring me home at night.
I don't want to tell you where I am.
I want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me.
I want to be with you."

- Jeanette Winterson

2010-02-24T15:26:00.007+08:00

homg, in how many ways can you spell:

M.A.D. L.O.V.E

dorothy perkins, fuschia animal print heels.

dorothy perkins, available in black too :D

dorothy perkins, MAD FUCKING GORGEOUS.

New Look, sweetness.

bah. ):
I WANT MONEY, I WANT TO SHOP.

2010-02-24T09:44:00.002+08:00

Last few days of stoning in the office. And I'm gonna register for BTT today. Happy, happy, happy.

You know sometimes people just have that phase. That "omg, I really can't stand you" phase, even though prior to that, you could be close friends with said person ?.. I completely understand why this happens ('cause it happens a lot to me, lol), so yeah, if you realise you're at the receiving end of such phases, just back off a little and give that person some space.

I'm bearing a lot of hopes these days. Just pray that they don't all come tumbling down. And, last night, that awesome, awesome dream. Hope it eventually becomes a deja vu. (:

But I never told you, what I should have said.

No, I never told you, I just held it in.

& now I miss everything about you.

2010-02-23T12:28:00.003+08:00

I'm bored at work. Thinking back on the whole Clarissa-TK soap opera and getting very very amused. :D Imagine TK as an in-law. UGH. Paedophilia(?) , much? Clarissa has been asking "Where's TK kor kor?" ever since the 20th when we "reunion-dinner-ed" at my place.

Nicholas Neo is a luck-sucker. He sucked away allllll my luck during BJ.

Gahs.

Can't we have CNY all year round?

SG's Cruel Temptation.

Things that happen when we get obsessed/bored. :|

ANYWAYS.

If you've added a parent on facebook at all, you'd realise exactly what the pros and cons are.

Pros:

You get to chat with said parent over facebook, and it is surprisingly enjoyable. :D

Cons:

Said parent posts ugly council photo on her wall. Whole world sees it. You get owned. :(

2010-02-22T13:15:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, there are things that are an absolute chore to put into words.

Like, how would you tell your daughter you're dying. Or how would you tell a best friend that you're in love with her. Or how would you tell a patient who is brimming with hope to fight his cancer and win the fight, that nope, he's gonna die in a matter of days.

I'm sitting here in an office with so many people, and I wonder how many's gonna regret not doing whatever they should have done if they died tomorrow.

It's not a high seat; it's just curiosity and an unsettling want to go satisfy my own curiosities, thereby potentially screwing my life. I don't like uncertainty and the grumbly, naggy. argh-omfg feeling it comes with. Then again, could I face the truth...?

Dilemma. Life is full of lines. Some that you can cross and then come right back over. Some you'd never ever cross. Some you'd regret ever crossing cause it's irrevocable. But then again, who sets these lines, who define them to be uncrossable, crossable or anything that's in between. Who gets to decide what would eventually happen if those difficult words trespass my lips. Was that part of my imagination, doused by a dose of pessimism, or would that have been reality? Then that line gets blurred.

I know I'd regret not ever telling you. But right now, I can't. I'm scared, torn, unconfident and absolutely terrified of losing what's the most precious to me. So please, please. If you feel the same way, can you reach out to me first? Can you be the one to help me up when I fall, hold me when I cry, and love me, irregardless of my flaws?

I'm so tired of this love game.

2010-02-19T15:26:00.001+08:00

I'm so hard to please. Bitch me and I'll think you're a bitch. You try to be nice, I think you wayang. Tsk tsk tsk.

2010-02-18T14:27:00.001+08:00

Actually I mirror your sentiments. I want someone I can openly love, not secretly.

2010-02-18T13:21:00.002+08:00

Monetary outsources this couple of weeks.

#1: Party at my house.
#2: Driving lessons.
#3: ROOM! ---> hot pink paint, whitewash, rollers, black paint, brushes. study lamp, shelvings, curtains.
#4: Hair.
#5: Go see a TCM doctor about my disgusting back problem.

(P.S:// I SUDDENLY THOUGHT- how about asking daddy Cheong to help me paint the stuff that I really want instead of settling for stickers that I half-want! :D awesomemollyness.)

I shall promise myself not to shop temporarily even though there are stuffs I madly like now. Exceptions being leggings and cardigans, to celebrate being able to GET into them and cardigans are staples anyway.

And maybe foot thongs for dance.

*frowns*

Oh shit. I forgot I need a new pair of earphones too. Cus mine just died on me. Fucking monsterbeat earphones are the bomb! But they're $240 so..... GRAH. And it dawned on me also tt I should just get a freaking iTOUCH. Since my current MP3 ran out of space already... But then iTOUCH no radio also. T_T Decisions ah, seriously.

Sidetrack: I just got owned.

Sometimes, you shouldn't read too much into actions. Just because I like, doesn't mean I want. Just because I go out with you, doesn't mean I intend to date you or anything. Just because I want, doesn't mean I need. Just because I'm lonely, doesn't mean I'd settle.

Understand?

Just because it could be, doesn't mean it will be or it is.

I miss my best friend. ):

2010-02-16T23:57:00.003+08:00

I'm impatient and I'm so fed up with people who remain uncontactable. Grah.

Anyways, I made the decision to go sign up for driving lessons. Hooray, me! As usual, it has to be funded by yours truly, cause my mum's uptight and I have no boyfriend, whatsoever. I no longer need to grouch cause EVERYONE else is driving except me! :D

I'm really tired after setting 3 fucking papers for my tutee, so just before I go...

Tumblr really is a treasure trove. Much loves!

2010-02-15T23:55:00.001+08:00

girls are hard to figure out, but boy, you kill my brain.

2010-02-15T13:53:00.000+08:00

2010-02-15T13:37:00.002+08:00

A grand total of 120++ for ang paos. And half is gonna go to re-highlighting my hair. Bah.

My period came today, stealthily. Like no warnings then DENG DENG DENG! *floods* And it's aggravating my back, whoo. So I'm like grumpy max. Plus yesterday I very almost qing yi se-ed in MJ and won 6 tais, plus 2 of my flowers so it's 8 tais. But I didn't. Graaaaaaah. ): And no one's playing BJ. No one's drinking. Triple, quadruple, fml max and die.

My mom's finally given me the go ahead to do my room. So I'm thinking of colours, colours, colours. My room's furnitures are lime/apple green, with brown wood paneled floorings. Hmmmm. So, hot pink for the walls? Or bright yellow. And I hate the blinds. I wna go get curtains. And a new computer chair. And a study lamp. And a computer ): Bahhh.

Which spells money but I'm running dry. FML.

2010-02-13T22:02:00.003+08:00

Wondering how I'm gonna make it through till 3am 'cause I'm sleepy already.

"I know I'm not a lot of the things that you've gone for in the past. I know... But I, I would never leave you. I would never hurt you. And I will never stop loving you."

This is what I would have told you, if I had enough balls.

Isn't that funny?..

I preach to others often enough; patience is a virtue, if you never took a leap, how would you get to the other side, yadah yadah yadah. But when it comes to me, all this just flushes down the toilet bowl and goes sayonara.

I really miss you. *wry grin* Won't you buy me a 1.6m bear too? I'd name it after you too. :D

200th! Oh, yes. :D

2010-02-13T20:10:00.000+08:00

Caught this on GLEE.

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm lonely
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own...
(sniffle)

2010-02-13T18:03:00.002+08:00

Post reunion dinner, and it's merely 6 o clock.

You know, it SHOULD be a happy day today. I've spent time decorating the house, doing up the sofa, cleaning up my room, buying stuff for the house, bringing Clarissa out to Chinatown and everything... I LIKE CNY. But somehow something's just falling flat today. And I'm grumpy. On CNY.

Right now, I'm so full, the only mode of movement is rolling. Plus, I'm grumpy. I thought things were different. Okay, maybe I'm being hypersensitive. Grah. And my back hurts. 3/4 confirmed that it's a 散到腰 case and according to LY, it's gonna take 3 weeks to heal. FML, max?

Did some spotting exercises and chenney(?)-ing at home, plus stretches and everything in hopes that it'd help my back. ): Baaaaah. I really really hope things get better, please. And yeahh, after resting it WAS abit better. I couldn't even roll around on my bed last night.

So... ...

Happy CNY everyone. Take special care of your backs so you dont transform into a grumpy max ah ma like me.

2010-02-11T15:44:00.003+08:00

*YAWNS*

Office work is getting like, whoa. And I have no more HPTX to distract me. ): Had a quite good day yesterday even though His Holy Smelliness made me wait for like an hour. We ate like so damn much sweet stuffs, which sucks, cause on top of the guilt I'm feeling, my stomach's complaining too. (P.S:// The brownie at TGIF tastes like mooncake, man! Overwhelmingly sweet. Xp) Then sukiyaki afterwards followed by pizzas and drinks @ Timbre. Got another dress for CNY. Would have gotten another top too if not for him being unable to find his shirt. Whaaat. I only shop like this ONCE a year. Cut me some slack luh, kae? :D

But I really did get alot of clothes for CNY and work combined:

5 dresses (3 CottonOn, 1 F21, 1 DP)

3 pairs of flats

1 bra (that's now missing, ftw?! And i haven't even worn it yet.)

2 boyfriend shirts

1 top

1 half jacket

2 leotards

2 flower clips

And the list goes on, plus Bee's getting me some stuff from Korea. :X I'm like really stinkingly broke now esp. after my very last purchase. So I'm gna lay off shopping of any forms. I swear, to both my money minders.

I can't believe it's CNY already though. Time flew past so quickly. In less than a month, we're gonna receive our A's. Holy cow... But I've decided not to dwell on it much or let it freak me out too much. Anyway, what's done has already been done, right?..

Yup..

Have a great CNY people. Look forward t seeing y'all on the 20th.

2010-02-11T01:00:00.002+08:00

ultimate leopard preens love, no?

Oh-My-God. I'm OFFICIALLY in love with Tumblr.

I just saw a quote that squeezed my half-dead heart.

"The love that lasts longest is the one that's never returned". How fucking true is that? ):

Oh wells.

2010-02-07T21:53:00.003+08:00

I feel like I'm walking around without my head screwed on properly, or without my heart in my ribcage. Empty, empty, empty. And fat, fat, fat. Like what's painted on my face is a watered down version of a smile, something that doesn't reach my eyes.

I say I don't know what's affecting me, but you'd understand, won't you? I can't say it out, cause I dun wna feel like a selfish bitch. But fact is, that's exactly what I am.

*sighs*

I feel like I wna be left alone for now. But I don't really want to be alone. I'm scared no one would hear my screams for help. How many contradictions can a woman make in a day, seriously.

I wna drink, drink, drink, till I forget every single shit that's been haunting me. Till I forget you, and me, and everything that's between us. Every single bittersweet memory, laughter, touch, hug...

2010-02-06T17:46:00.004+08:00

I'm supposed to be changing so I can head down to Timbre but yeah, what the heck.

First ups. Congratulations to the 29th for pulling Orientation 2010 off! It's been pretty good given the constraints you guys faced, yeah? :D Now, it's time for you all to mug hard. Oh, and KK, all the best yeah?

Going back to help out for orientation has definitely made February a whole lot awesome-r. Played in games the first time since, damn long. Realised I make a pretty bad games attache cause I've NO idea how to use the fucking hose. Caught up with so many people, bitched and accumulated negative karma. Tied so many water bombs at our "VIP" tub. Shed so much tears (and sweat). Totally lost my head on JJ night on top of going high on helium. In fact, I jumped, screamed, pushed, danced, whistled so much that my entire body's in mad pain now. Oh, oh and I met Jackie there, which is like omfg awesome. :D But I didn't get to take a photo cause he disappeared after that. >.>

Here's a smattering of photos.

girlfriend (:

BALLOOOOONSSS.

imagine i sucked the helium out of ALL of them.

took one with jess last year, so here's one for 2010!

This morning, I woke up in an absolutely foul mood. I'm already upset over something, plus I saw some photos on FB that didn't help my foul mood, cause I look absolutely gross. ): Made me enter this cloud of self-loath that I'm gonna submerse myself in until I look good, feel good, again. Fuck. I'm a bloody cow.

2010-02-03T11:03:00.001+08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! LIKE WTF. TODAY'S SUCH A BAD DAY!

DULAN MAX MAX MAX MAX.

2010-02-02T06:37:00.002+08:00

IF YOU'RE A GUY, STOP SCROLLING NAO! (ESP. MARK!)

...

Apparently, I'm doomed to never own cute bras, ever. In Singapore, that is. Bra manufacturers seem to think that Singaporean girls all have tiny boobs and only ah mas have relatively bigger ones. I'm so sick of ah-ma laces. I want pretty/slutty laces on my bras, NOT ah-ma laces.

*grouches*

And it's not like the ah-ma bra has different cups I can choose from. Plus if I zg-ed it's shit embarrassing cause it's an ah-ma bra that I'm wearing, hello.

Bought a CottonOn bra yesterday, but it's a little tight, so I'm trying to psycho my little brain into thinking that it's good cause it's gonna be my low-cut-dress bra and tight is good, so the sisters would look bouncy/firm/wdv.

): GAH.

I want pretty bras. Anyone knows where to find?!

(P.S:// I should totally STOP going into CottonOn. I'm mad crazy about the skirts, but their sizes are too small for my pacific-ocean-sized ass.)

2010-01-30T13:01:00.002+08:00

I have to be in Clementi in an hour for the freaking beer thing, and my back really isn't co-operating.

Okay luh, god, I hate how whiny I sound and everything, but the back really hurts like crap. Especially since yesterday's lessons, walking around is a total bitch. Plus I don't dare to go see a doctor about it, cause I'm scared it'll result in the end of dance for me. I'm hoping that all the creams my maid's been helping me to slather on my back and all the extra stretching is going to help me alleviate the pain.

*sighs*

But dance yesterday was fun, despite the pain it brought me. Ahaha :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CEL!

2010-01-18T11:21:00.002+08:00

I hold my breath whenever you talk about her, and wait for the pain to pass before I suck in another breath.

I wanted to say I'd always be waiting in the sidelines. But that'd be stupid. You're not Bella, I'm no Edward and there's not just one Jacob. There's no forever, ever after in the futures ahead of us. There's no deadpan certainty, no foresight to help us or at least guide us in the right way.

So yeap. I'd learn to let go even if it kills me for now. I'd rid myself of that you-addiction. It's the only way for me, at least.

Stay happy, you. So I won't regret this.

Just keep keep bleeding, love.

2010-01-17T07:47:00.002+08:00

* GULPSSS *

That's the way I've taken to the morning apple vinegar routine. The smell of it twists my gut and gives me the shudders, but what to do... Want to control my appetite, that's what I have to do. Am hoping to save enough money to buy organic wild bee honey. Heard that's good too.

I unknowingly watched Cruel Temptation all the way till 7 in the morning. The 7th disc was, woah. SOOOOO many shit happened. And the person who acts as So-Hee really is a very good siao-actress. So convincing! Pity she looks damn ugly when she's siao. (There's this SGean actress that acts siao very well too. She looks like a bird. Forgot her name. Huang Hui? Or something..)

There's this thing about K-dramas that pisses me off though. Why the fuck does every single thing they eat look so damn good? I've had this insane craving for korean food every single time I watch them eat something on screen. Ramyeon, bibimbap, k-bbq, kimchi, spicy rice cakes, sushi/sashimi, even the zha jiang mian looks shit good.... Freaking kuku. Not like I can find nice and affordable korean food anytime and anywhere. And the spicy rice cakes things you can find in SG is 99.9% scam money. I've NEVER had any nice ones before. Any of you know of anywhere in SG that offers authentic, awesome korean spicy rice cakes? >.<

... And that became a food rant. Wturf. Mad craving korean food now. Maybe I'd bug mummy into going lot1/bpp later. Or that geylang k-bbq buffet place. But go buffet sure waste money. (.___.) Not like she can eat much. And I can't eat much either, now.

I was just ranting to How Sun that I missed 53A (a local band) alot. And I just found out that they perform at Holland V's Wala Wala every friday night! Super happy about that, but only grudgingly so, cause for some weird reasons, Wala Wala only allows people who are 20 and above to head up to the 2nd floor to listen to the live bands. What the shit?

(Mum just announced to the house that she's not bringing Clarissa t church cause she wants to watch TV - Cruel Temptation. LOL.)

Had Frolicks yesterday. :D The original flavour still owns. And I'm hissy caused they made it a hollow swirl! Since when does Frolicks cheat and serve hollow swirls! Graaaaah. Then I can't not patronise them anymore cause their yoghurts are so delish. At least put some toppings in the hollow mah. ):

At this point of time, I'm feeling so random that I doubt the people who reads my blog understand what I'm saying anymore. I just felt the need to pen down these random string of thoughts.

I'm so proud of myself, cause I made pancakes from scratch, without even using a recipe! :D It's actually shit easy luh; flour, sugar, eggs and milk. Makes me wonder why people buy pre-packaged mixes. When I have a family of my own, I'd make breakfast for my family everyday. I think it's the most heartwarming meal, although people tend to be grouchy in the mornings. But yah, I'd make porridge, or scrambled eggs with bacon/sausages, or cheese omelettes, or pancake stacks. If I had a sleepless night, I might bake cinnamon rolls or hot dog buns. *inexplainable well of warmth and love floods Ica's rather empty brain* No cereals for my beloved! Maybe I can handmake cereals. Is that humanly possible...?

WHY IS EVERYTHING COMING BACK TO FOOD! O____O

I'm gonna lay sprawled across my bed with my legs in a 120 angle split and watch the last disc of Cruel Temptation. Then attempt to practise my pirouettes without looking stupid and vampire-like. Oh oh, and I got properly owned by that P4 kid. But I'd be good without him also luh. Not like I'm earning alot from him. Plus he's so troublesome, bah!

I've obsessively applied for starbucks 4x. LOL.

STARBUCKS WHY CANT YOU JUST HIRE ME ALREADY!

2010-01-16T02:38:00.000+08:00

I'm getting owned by previously mentioned P4 kid. I swear it's karma for all that I did to my ex tuition teacher.

Hai.

I really need a full time job.

2010-01-15T02:00:00.002+08:00

I think PMS is to be blamed for my mood fluctuations and absurd randomness.

Okay, let's do a mood analysis.

---------------------------------------------

First, I'm fucking pissed. You say I'm important to you and that I'm a bestie to you and all. Words. That's all they are. They bear no depth or emotion or sincerity. You think I'm harsh? You're worse. All I ever set my heart to do is to keep an eye for your back so I could prevent bad stuff from happening. How hard is it to comprehend that this sort of things can't be communicated over MSNs and SMSes? Don't you understand that things are read different by different people? And that this is how all misunderstandings fucking happens? Why can't you trust me?

You didn't lose a friend, per se. I think I did.

You know how fucking heartbreaking it was for me to read those words in your messages? You don't care but I do. And all I ever did wrong, was care about you.

---------------------------------------------------

Secondly, I'm super exhausted physically because of dance. Or at least, my attempts to dance. My back's been aching the whole day (dance on top of period = torture); my neck and shoulders are aching too. My thighs and calves and even the arch of my feet ( kuku flat feet. kong family curse and I got the worse of it ): ) are aching. I didn't get to sleep well last night cause everytime I rolled over, I'd wake up from the aches.

But I really enjoyed the experience. It's not something I would do alone though. Too damn intimidating.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Third, I feel wretched cause I lost a very important something. And because of that, the fucking trip is cancelled and so are prospective club-fests. And it'd be hell if She discovers it.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Fourth, I'm damn fucking annoyed by my latest tuition kid. He's damn freaking whiny and cocky and I felt like eating him up the whole one and a half hour I spent in his house. I was actually chanting "patience, patience, patience..." under my breathe to calm myself down.

And FML, I'd be seeing him again on Saturday. Hell over Batam, joy oh joy.

What's a P4 kid doing on Facebook, anyway!?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fifth, it's a dance related havoc. You know how friends are affected by this... domino effect? A don't go, B don't go, C won't go either and all hell breaks loose. It's happening. Normally, I wouldn't crack a fart, but I've been spending so much time on this and I'm hellishly disgruntled. Partially my fault cause I'm not confident enough to go with the best, but aiyah, what the fuck? Why so many last minute problems and so many immovable mountains?

I feel like a hamster condemned to run in it's wheel forever.

First was the sudden influx of people. Then it was the FAIL money acquisition.Then it was the changes in schedules and locations (my fault). Then it was the whole "you can't reserve spots" problem. Then the money issue. Now it's the people issue again?

I was frustrated enough when the people on the sidelines backed out. What am I supposed to do when the inner circle breaks?

FML. I'd end up going for classes alone. And that makes me super freaking unhappy.

Don't say something stupid like "Also nobody ask you to plan, don't know you care so much for what."

Yes, nobody did. But I'm an anal retentive control freak and I don't like things to fall apart at the last minute so go suck your thumb if you're unhappy. And I know I can jolly well go alone, but I like going in a group of my closest friends, and I am HAPPY this way. Happier than if I were to go alone. Or with too pro people.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Sixth, Starbucks still hasn't called. I'm super disappointed.

2010-01-12T21:27:00.002+08:00

I swear to god, if you're gonna keep a no-show, that's it between us. I'm so fucking fed up with being your spare tyre.

ANYWAY!

Today was my first tuition day! Everything went well, I guess.. Teaching Amaths makes me kinda panicky. Hahaha. Never thought this day would come. Take that, -insert random Amaths teacher names-. I'm no longer an Amath loser!

Yet... :|

Starbucks still hasn't called, fuckanathan. I really want that job! I think working at Starbucks is like, shit cool. Graaaaah. Why they don't want me? Guess eventually I'd end up at Warrens also, fml max. Two tuition kids, promoter thing, plus one other job. No jobs at all in Dec (save for tt lousy bartending one), but many many in Jan. Maybe the zodiac shit is really true, and that this year's gonna be Awesome for us horses.

Crashed @ Jess's yesterday and we talked, talked, talked the night away. Felt like it was barely an hour of undisturbed sleep, then we were jolted awake by Mamma Mia/fucking construction next door. But it was an awesome girl's night. Never had that for quite awhile, so I really enjoyed myself.

Baking tip #1: Recipe to awesome-ness is random-ness. :D

Dance tomorrow! Cheered up cause I found an outfit, muahahaha. Sloppy tee plus lycra jazz pants. At least I won't look like a dingdong in tights + FBT. I pray I'd be half decent tomorrow! And then there's that Butter Cookie night tomorrow also, wts. Previously it was the kpop themed party that clashed with dance, then now this. WHY ALWAYS LIKE THIS! -___-

I shall publicly vow not to give up on dance even if I do suck at it. Yeap, yeap. I do.

And I hate it that you message people and the idiots don't reply.

Oh, oh! And I blinged my nails today. Love that lady like crazy, she's like the nail art guru or something. :D But I'm scared the blings will fall off after wearing covered shoes for dance. Been obsessively counting them to make sure none dropped, hahaha.

Okay, end of random entry.

2010-01-11T11:17:00.003+08:00

Awesome day, today.

I was shocked right awake from my usually deep slumber cause I dreamt my phone bill is fucking 15K SD. Not rupiahs. Went immediately to my mom to ask her how much my phone bill was.

Lol. (-_________-) It's still quite high luh, $190, but I'm hedging that it's all the administrative costs of getting a new phone. (P.S:// I actually said BlueBerry, fml max)

2010-01-10T15:52:00.002+08:00

Officially declaring a state of panic now, cause I don't know what to wear to dance class!

Like seriously, they're either in super baggy clothes (tracks and baggy tees) or they're in some sort of weird tights and tees, or tiny shorts that are not fbts. Why no fbts!

Cel says we should start a new trend, we'd be the pioneer batch of fbt people @ o school.

WTS luh. Why so ma fan one. I think even wearing tights would be weird cause it's like freaking hiphop/mtv groove, not... ballet or contemporary or lyrical.

2010-01-07T10:52:00.001+08:00

The arch of my feet hurt. ): Just in time for dance lessons, fml.

Gna proper slack this week. Work starts next week!

2010-01-07T02:04:00.001+08:00

I don't think I'm coping.

2010-01-05T23:46:00.002+08:00

Super tired, fml.

I'm sorry kit, I'm sorry nic. I feel so guilty for like not being there..

Fucking tired *rolls around*

Am hoping the tuition @ redhill comes through. And.. I'm gonna start interviewing tomorrow again.

Dance soon. I'm abit uncomfortable. But nvm, I shall not let any green-eyed monsters get to me. I think, maybe, it's really time to let go. Monotonous, yes indeed.

Goodnight, world.

2009-12-31T00:54:00.003+08:00

Today, has been a literal, emotional roller coaster ride.

This all started a couple of days ago when I visited SPCA and met Ethain (I call her niap niap :D). It wasn't love at first sight. She caught my eyes at first sight because she's so god damn chio. White fur, piercing blue eyes, the cutest set of pink paws. She's a lazy little thing. The entire time I spent by their cage, she was asleep for more than 3 quarters of the time. I played with Erin and Connor more than I played with Ethain. But in that brief moment that we spent together, I just fell for her. I don't know how to explain this, I can't put it in words. And I know, it's pretty damn illogical since I've had always preferred dogs to cats.

I went home, and I thought about her non-stop. I couldn't bear to think of her in that smelly cage, getting trampled and pushed over by her more boisterous siblings. I know, it's not like she's not properly fed and everything and at least she has food and shelter. But I just didn't want to leave her there. I wanted her, for my own.

Then, the adoption saga began.

...

Omg, okay. I've just decided I shall not talk about it anymore. I feel like I've let her down, which is stupid, I know. But yah... 2 months. I'd wait, I'd prove it's no mere infatuation.

...

On the other hand, despite all the disappointments and all, today has also been crazy fun and that's all because of SYIRA'S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY BASSHHHH!

We've had so much fun...

last-minute-plotting on how to surprise her

Jerome acting cute as usual :P

all of us were sweating like mad cause her room was so stuffy and warm.
(p.s: TK sneakily ate the cake first! see the white hole!!!)

... then watching her scramble for her present (standing pen paramore tix! *screams*)

... stabbing elmo (the cake) to death

... playing downstairs and enjoying supper (whilst bitching).

Omfg it's been damn long since I laughed so hard and long. :D I really enjoyed myself like hell.

Dear Syira!

I'm so glad you enjoyed yourself babe! I love you very, very much, and you're FINALLY 18. We should all go boogie together! Hahahahahaha.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
LADY SYI-SYI !!!!
(pronounced SHEE SHEE)

2009-12-28T00:56:00.002+08:00

Adding on to the last bit of the previous post.

I miss you I miss you
Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting everytime
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head

I miss you, I miss you.

2009-12-28T00:22:00.003+08:00

Still feeling quite sick, bleargh.

I think if I eat like this for one year I'd be mad skinny. Food count of today = meiji yoghurt + half a dozen of korean strawberries + one apple + one bowl of Milo cereal + one cup of cranberry juice (cause I suspect I have some urinary tract problem.. :l) + one cup of apple vinegar (daily staple).

NO RICE NO NOODLES NO MEAT NOR VEG, cause the smell of oil turned me off big time.

Speaking about it, if you really wna diet/lose weight, consider picking up the apple vinegar thing! It smells gross, tastes gross, but boy, does it help kill your appetite. Seriously, I swear it works! On days that I forget to drink it, I eat like a freaking cow. But when I do drink it, and that's like almost everyday, my appetite gets reduced by half, at least.

So, how was your xmas?..

It's been years since I've felt any xmas related joy. Guess I'm too "grown up" for it. Plus this xmas, everyone's working. The single thing that I had to look forward to was dearest TK, who had been away to Tekong the past couple of weeks. Blehh. The poor dear is so freaking black now, zomfg, I really couldn't get used to it.

'cause baby it don't matter if you're black/white.

Xmas eve was spent... not doing anything significant. Lunch with Andrew, dinner with family. The most memorable bit was getting called "aunty" by an aunty in the kopitiam.

Xmas day was spent in Jan's house. My very first bit of xmas fare, whooooo. :D The turkey came with some god awesome thai green curry that I'm absolutely head over heels in love with. And then there was that awesomeeee salad. Played a little mahjong before heading down to zouk to listen to the Bangkok Invaders. Danced like mad, sweat like mad. Didn't drink much (such an astonishingly good girl ;P), which surprised everyone, I think. Then I went home and died the most of Boxing Day.

Don't mention presents, they're heartbreakingly absent this year.

):

It has come to the point where I AM gonna start starving myself in order to support my various activities. Dance is my greatest priority, so of my $15 allowance per day, I'd dedicate $4 so I'd have about $120 for dance per month, meaning 8 lessons in a month, which should be just about enough to start with. Then, it's another $4 daily, half each to beauty products/new clothes. And, another $2 daily to transport. So I have a grand total of $5 each day.

With my monetary capacities thus broken down;

I WILL allow myself only ONE buffet treat per month.
I WILL allow myself only TWO movie treats per month, and only in the weekdays.
I WILL allow myself to go club/dance only when it's free flow/free entry or a treat.
I WILL make myself eat very very little/pack food from home to work or whatever shit it is so I don't spend money on food.

So there.

...

I don't think that good things never were meant to last. There's been so much I meant to say, but have no idea how to put it across so you'd know how I feel. *sighs*

At the very least, I had tons of fun while it lasted. I hope you did too...

2009-12-22T22:56:00.002+08:00

Since i'm already shit grouchy, why not?

You know lately everyone's telling me they're leaving.

"Oh, go overseas/NS/moving house/wdv shit reasons you all have..."

So frustrating that everyone's gone. I've got no one to play with anymore. You know everytime it happens I'd feel like being a mean bitch and scream at them. LOL. That'd be funny.

"Ehh, Ica I'm gg overseas."

"WHAT!? YOU TOO?!! AIYAH FUCK OFF AND DIE!"

".... WTS? I'm just telling you right!"

"NO YOU'RE RUBBING IT IN MY FACE, FUCK OFF AND DIE!"

...

"Ehh, Ica I'm moving house soon, we won't be able t be friends-who-live-really-near-each-other-can-pop-over-ton-for-fun anymore!"

"WHATTTTT?!! I HOPE UR NEW HOUSE BURNS!"

"... O_____O"

...

"Ehh, Ica I'm going NS soon!"

*takes out a gun and shoots said fellow*

Ok, I'm showing off my shockingly immature alter ego but fuck off I'm damn grouchy and I shall do as I please.

):<

THE REASON WHY IM SO GROUCHY NOW IS BECAUSE IM DAMN POK.

See uh, before shit happened I tried to prevent it. I told my mom I wanted to try and save money so that December won't be so utterly shitty and I tried to persuade her to convert my daily allowance t a weekly allowance t help me save. Plan failed. Why? Cause she don't believe tt I can be mean to myself and allow myself one meal per day so as to save.

Okay fine, so I've never been much of a saver (if you know me you know my spending habits, eeek), but then that period was freaking A's. MUG whole day! Where got time to go shop and spend money?! (: that's a lie, I clubbed one week before A's, nabei)

OKAY ANYWAYS.

So before the papers officially ended I went to interview for a job with my "besties", which we all got, which WOULD have filled my time and sucked my life away so I wouldn't be moaning around now. BUT THEN! One say parents disagree then she emo. Then I also emo cause being young and idealistic (reads: D-U-M-B F-U-C-K), I harbored intentions of holding four jobs and being a time-juggler-extraodinaire and said job sucks said dreams away. Then the other totally pang seh-ed so yah, GG.COM, we all quit.

Then there's interviews after interviews after interviews. Finally one prospectively good, high-possibility-of-hiring-me one comes along, but then like I dno whether I'm still gna be hired cause they havent called me as of yet. *claws face*

BOTTOM LINE IS: I'M LIKE FREAKING FREE AND SIANS AND POK, SO EVEN MORE SIANS AND GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Can't someone hire me already!????????????!

AND WORK ME TO DEATH WHILE YOU'RE AT IT SO I WONT HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO GO WINDOW-SHOP AND SIMULTANEOUSLY STAB MYSELF EVERY SINGLE MINUTE CAUSE IM POK AND CANT BUY A SINGLE SHIT.

You know they say singaporeans are picky with their jobs. I say the employers are the FUCKING picky ones.

*grumbles away*

2009-12-22T22:50:00.002+08:00

need a moment to rant.

WLAO WHATS XMAS WITHOUT BLINGBLING/NICE CLOTHES :(

so fucking frustrated cause of my highly repetitive wardrobe wts.

and shoes! (ok luh i have nice heels that i dont whore cause they're too fucking painful)

BAH! HUMBUGS!

2009-12-21T11:48:00.002+08:00

grahh. have you ever had the feeling, that you wna blog but just have no idea what to blog about?

yeap. that's what i'm feeling now, wturf. i'm sitting in the middle of a rather busy hair salon. highlighting my hair, tee heee. it's gonna be jet black with flaming reds. wheeeeee.

everybody's away. overseas, or god-damn ns, or working. and i'm still sort-of jobless.

feel so sian. ): everything's not going according to plans. damn, i wna start dance sooooon.

and i think i'm partying too much for my own good.

aiyah, shit i just miss everyone, period. i never thought i'd say this, but i wish A's weren't over yet.

2009-12-13T11:59:00.002+08:00

O HAI.

Class chalet wassss... 'cause

1) Am fucking sick.
2) All the assholes who didn't reply their msges, so very fucked up.
3) The hugest asshole ever stayed over.

Other than that I enjoyed myself. Nicholas extended his alcoholic influence t fangs and yong and vyy and... okay, pera's not included cause he drinks with or without us. Hahahaha, it's so amusing t watch ppl get drunk. Just like how it's amusing t watch old people fall down.

Slightly emo now cause I didn't get t play or drink much or even eat ice cream.. WTS. And I really lost 1kg, which should be a good thing, but wth, who go chalet lose weight?!

And Susu is awesome, he went zoukout without us, zomfggggggg, NICHOLAS I WNA GO SUNDOWN. *rolls aroundddddddd*

If there's anything about relationships that girls should know, srsly, is to never let your heart fall in the hands of someone who can so flippantly deny it. 受苦的只会是自己. You'd see him as a boyfriend, he'd see you as a friend whom he can make out with. How's that fair.

Mildly amused by the gloom that descends upon us all whenever there's a mention of the impending results and decisions tt'd cast our future in stone. Then I'd think of my own bleak future and be unamused all over again.

*sighs* If the world really ends in 2012, FOL through and through. I hope it doesn't really. There's still so much tt I want to do with my life.

2009-12-10T23:59:00.004+08:00

*peeks head out*

I know, I know...

It's been damn long since I blogged cause I've been nua-ing like mad ever since papers ended, or even before papers ended. Been playing maple and L4D/L4D2 like mad, watching about 100 drama serial altogether, going out for interviews and everything.

Prom has come and gone, spent a freaking bomb on it. So now I'm like shit poor. Didn't take much photos for prom too despite having spent a bomb on it. All the bamboo poles strutting around in their tight dresses and 10 inch stilettos killed my confidence t the max. Plus, prom ITSELF was boring, zzzzz. So yeah... (BTW, don't you think it's hellishly skanky to show off ur nipples?! Some people ah, tsk) Post-prom however was mad fun, despite the frustration of a nehneh cab chase around singapore. >.< No photos of it too cause I was too busy dancing my wee brain off. I think that made it to the list of my top 5 most memorable clubbing experience thus far, seriously.

SOME of the prom pictures:

(NEHNEH NIC! why dont i have even ONE nice photo with you huh)

Oh btw, someone spent ~$7 on little old me so I think he deserves mention. Tee hee! Thank you so very much, male bestie. :D You looked especially hot that night.

Yeaaaaah. Wells. So that was that for prom.

Been planning with FQ these few days for class chalet, I'm praying it'd be a bl-ast. :D Bringing all my equipments so we can camwhore until we die.

P.S:// I'd really, really miss you.

2009-11-17T05:22:00.002+08:00

BOOYA!

I'm awesomely glad that everything is about t be o-ver soon!

Hmmm. Okays, there's like a few backlog of posts that people have been grumbling about cause I didn't do them up. I swear, after A's okay. Then of course there's that twitter add-on on my front page. I tweet super often now all thanks to my lovely BB (okay okay I know the gushing is abit extreme but COMEON! let me be happy for awhile can? the pixon was a nightmare!)

In a few days, I'd start sprucing up this site with this few entries:

1) Halloween's entry plus yet another you-bitch-i-bitch-who's-the-bitch-now?! saga.
2) Then there's also THAT saga.
3) The Post A's entry.
4) The D-word log(s). Figures if I air my dirty laundry, maybe I'd stick t the D-word better, sians.

I'm completely ADD(attention deficit disorder)-ified right now, talking to me will potentially get you confused. Like right now, I'm thinking about how the beef in my mom's spaghetti tastes abit off. Plus, what sort of nails I wna do for prom.

SPEAKING OF SPENDING, WAH KNN!
I can't stand it alr, just slit my wrist. WHY are there SO MANY chio things coming out, why why why why why why! Kate Moss@Topshop has this luxe maxi dress and a jacket that I fell straight in love with, 200 odd per piece. River Island recently brought in some of the most fucking gorgeous heels. Aldo is having a discount and that electric blue booties I've lusted over is on SALE! WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY! *flails my flabby arms around*

That's without mentioning the SERIOUSLY unattainables. Coach/Chanel bag. Pffffffft.

Wlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaao.

*sighs*

On the brighter side, momsy promised a computer this christmas. I'm getting a 4gig ram or whatever Yong/Nic said so I can play my Sims3/MS and be a happy, happy girlie instead of lusting after the unmentionables.

GOD. Just poke my eyeballs out so I'd never feel such lust again.

I so need to get a humongous clutch for prom so I can throw a pair of flats in, in case DP's kill me.

2009-10-25T12:15:00.002+08:00

15 days and I'm running scared.

Now's really not the time to dwell on relationships and what-nots. Focus, baby. And hang in there, please.

I promise I'd revive this desolate little site after my A's.

Right now, I'm REALLY looking forward to...

1) Dance @ O School. I think it's gonna be so damn cool if we can put tgt an awesome dance after just three lessons and film it down. Hopefully, I can psycho some of you to continue. (:

2) Working as a camp counsellor = lose weight. >:D
Plus we're all so used to doing our jobs, I bet it'd be easy peasy.

3) Getting a new kick ass computer and drowning in Maple Story *sheepish grin* as well as Sims 3.

4) Learning Korean! Anyeonhaesaeyo!

5) Picking up blading, prolly with TK and Rachel.

6) Piercing my tongue and pulling Nic along to do it with me, hahahaha.

7) Going red head.

8) Part-timing as a female bartender, heeheehee :D

9) Prom, of course. Although I'm cb-ingly antsy cause I can't find a proper chio pointy jacket/lux fur wrap. Graaar. They think fat people no need nice jackets or smth. All the sizes die at 14! Either that, or all the fat people suddenly need alot of jackets and them idiots snagged it all before me.

Anddddd

10) Highly competitive beach netball. But I'm scared tan is not my color.. :X

Yeap.

I'll just grit my teeth and work my way through these last days, until the doors to these babies open to me. Meanwhile, you guys hang in there too, eh? After this, I swear I'll go mad with the booze and everyth. Lotsa lovvvveee.

2009-10-14T09:18:00.001+08:00

What's with happy-sounding songs but sick lyrics/ideas to it?

2009-10-11T22:45:00.002+08:00

AIYAH WTF IS WITH THE CB WEATHER!

RAIN LIKE COW THEN HOT LIKE FUCK. BLEARGH, SO HUMID, MAKE ME SWEAT EVERYDAY LIKE ...

.... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Bitch-fits over the weather is so not cool. Now excuse me while I go die in my freezer.